Thursday, November 5, 2009

A Year Late and a Trillion Dollars Short

Michael Stevens, a man about to face reality. The day after the 2008 election, he was in a traffic accident that left him in a coma. One year later, Nov. 5th, 2009, he woke up from his long, glorious dream. Beside him was his wife, Joan and his brother, William, both overjoyed at Michael's return to the waking world.
Mere minutes after returning from his year-long coma, he asked the question that would seal his fate.
"Joan, Will, how's Obama doing?" he asked.
"Michael, please, can we not talk politics right now? You've been asleep for a year, can't you just enjoy being back with us?" Joan pleaded.
A perplexed lood crossed Michael's face at his wife's reluctance to give him information.
"Joan, you know politics is my passion. I spent almost two years campaigning for Obama. Most of the last year I spent dreaming of how wonderful things must be now," he explained.
Before Joan could plead with him again, Will replied, "C'mon Mike, give it a rest for a little bit. The doctors said you shouldn't get any shocking news."
"Shocked at how amazing things are now that Obama has had almost a year to work his magic? If that's what you're worried about, I'm sure I can take it," said Michael, laughingly.
The look exchanged between Joan and William did not go unnoticed by Michael.
"What, what is it? What's that look for? Come on, things are a lot better now, right?" Michael said, his voice wavering.
"It''s fine Mike. Everything is fine," Will said unconvincingly.
"I don't believe it, what's wrong with you two?" said Michael, as he began to grow impatient.
"Michael, things aren't...they're not that great. But you know, that's politics, these things take time," explained Joan.
"Not that great? How can that be? President Obama was supposed to fix everything from the last eight years. Oh god, he wasn't assassinated, was he?" Michael exasperatingly guessed.
"No, no, he's still alive and well. It's just that we're in a situation where it's better if things stay the same, since everything seems to be getting worse," Will conceded.
"The economy?" Michael asked.
"You remember the economic collapse before the election right?" Will asked, to which Michael nodded. "Well, it's kind of gone downhill since then. They passed a $787 billion dollar emergency stimulus package, that...didn't do much. Unemployment is around 9.8% and I think they're fudging the numbers to keep it under 10%. Over a hundred banks have failed and credit isn't easy to come by, but at least the stock market is up a bit from when it bottomed out."
"787, 10%, a hundred banks...what the hell has been going on?" Michael questioned, desperately. "What about taxes? They didn't go up, right?"
"Don't worry about taxes, Michael," Joan said, trying to downplay the situation.
"Yeah, Mike, the Bush tax cuts haven't expired yet, and aside from some new taxes on cigarettes, we're not on the hook for anything big. And it'll be at least a couple years before taxes go up to pay for the new healthcare bills," Will said, wishing he'd phrased it differently.
"Healthcare bills? You mean we don't have universal healthcare yet?" questioned Michael.
"Well, Congress is really trying to get it passed this time. Sure, the last couple attempts this year failed, but the President assured us they'll get it right, if not this year, then next year for sure," Will said.
"This is too much, I can't believe this has been going on. If only the Democrats had 60 seats in the Senate, then those damn Republicans wouldn't be able to stop President Obama," Michael said.
"Michael, the Dems...they DO have 60 seats," Joan said.
"What else could go wrong? This isn't how it was supposed to be! The adults are in charge now, right?" Michael said, an edge of desperation in his voice.
"Please try to calm down Michael, this is why we didn't want to talk politics right now," Joan begged.
"No, I need to hear it or I won't be able to rest. Will, give me the truth. Iraq?"
"We're still there, sometimes it's winding down, then things can suddenly get crazy again."
"We're in it bad, things are looking worse. Obama is weighing whether to send more troops or not."
"Ugh, damn wars. Gitmo? That's closed, right?"
"Still open, Congress won't give funding to shut it down. We let out some prisoners, and only a small percentage have gone back to being terrorists."
"What about foreign policy? The rest of the world loves Obama! He's talked Iran and North Korea into negotiations, right?"
"Not quite. North Korea has tested more missiles. Iran is closer than ever to getting a nuke. Russia is playing games with Obama, even after he cancelled the missile defense system in Eastern Europe. Things are even hot and cold with Chavez in Venezuela. Sometimes he likes Obama, sometimes he calls him an idiot and Bush clone."
"Chavez!? We can't even get Hugo Chavez on our side? Bush must have pushed us over the edge farther than we thought. What about gay marriage? Don't ask, don't tell? Those should have been passed easily, right?"
" marriage has now been shot down 31 consecutive times when the people vote on it. Obama doesn't seem to want to tackle the issue. He doesn't even talk about don't ask, don't tell."
Michael was on the verge of a panic attack.
"What about...what about Sarah Palin? She went back to Alaska, never to be heard from again? Please, tell me she went back to Alaska to disappear."
"Oh she did. She went back to Alaska. For a little while. Then she resigned as governor, then started making speeches and backing candidates. She has a book due out in a couple weeks and it was number one Amazon and Barne's & Noble for a while, but I haven't followed it too closely. She was also partially responsible for getting one of the health care bills getting shot down."
"Why is she still around? Why aren't people just ignoring her?"
"It's tough Mike, she backed a candidate for a special election in New York for an empty seat in Congress."
"New York? He must have lost by at least 20 points. At least they can get something done to teach those Republicans a lesson."
"Actually, she didn't back the Republican candidate."
"She backed the Democrat? No way, I don't believe it."
"No, not that either. She backed the 'Conservative' candidate. He was a third party guy. After her endorsement, along with Fred Thompson and Dick Armey, he became so popular that the Republican dropped out before the election."
"But still, with her backing him, he must have lost by quite a bit."
"Three points."
"Three? Let me get this straight. A third-party candidate, backed by Sarah Palin, lost by only three points after pushing the Republican out of the race?"
"I need a drink. Did the doctors say when I could drink again?"
"They didn't say. Just mentioned not giving you any major shocks."
"Whew, well that must have been the worst of it and I'm still here. So, what's Hillary Clinton up to these days?"
"She's Secretary of State..."

"Mike? Wake up, Mike! This isn't funny, bro! Joan, I'm gonna go find a doctor, try to wake him up!"

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Zombie Appreciation Month is almost over

Rick Waters: Hello America, I'm Rick Waters and welcome to a very special, Election season episode of Pundit Tracker. Today we'll be examining the candidates and their recent selections for their running mates.
Well, let's get right into our Daily Pundit Panel.
With us today we have Lisa Richards, Democratic Strategist, Special Consultant with the Federal Department of Democratic Affairs, and chairperson of the National Committee for the Advancement of the Progressive Agenda. Thanks for joining us today Lisa.

Lisa Richards: Thanks Rick, it's a pleasure to be here.

Rick Waters: With us also is Allen Mohammed Waterfall Green Williamson, political activist, zombie rights advocate, best-selling author, and council member of the Society for a Fair and Free Society. Welcome back to the show Allen.

Allen Williamson: All good things, Rick, Goddess Bless.

Rick: And lastly, we have with us Franklin Jameson, conservative columnist.

Franklin: Uh, thanks Rick, it's a...

Rick: So let's get right down to it.
Yesterday was a big day for the candidates as both sides announced their choices for running mates. On the left, Candidate Zombie Roosevelt chose Senator Elaine Velasquez-Davis Goldman, and on the right, a surprise pick as Zombie Heston chose his opponent from the primaries, Zombie Reagan. Thoughts from the panel?

Lisa: Well I for one am disgusted, Rick. For the Republicans to play such bitter identity politics in their choice of what is obviously a ridiculous ploy to appeal to the Zombie population, is just outrageous. Their candidate doesn't care at all for the welfare and integration of Zombies into society as a whole.

Allen: I couldn't agree more, Rick. We at the SFFS feel that it is our duty to help real Americans see the atrocity that is Zombie Heston for what it is. A mockery of the democratic process and a stain on the soul of this country. To try to fool the people into thinking that these fearmongers are really looking out for the good of society is a joke a best. They have the gall to refer to Zombies, behind closed doors, as monsters. Well I'll tell you who the real monsters are, and that is the Republican Party!

Rick: Excellent analysis as usual from our panel. Now, the next topic is...

Franklin: Excuse me, Rick. If I could say something. First, to accuse of the Republicans of playing identity pol...

Rick: Our next topic is how you think these choices will affect the outcome of this election. Effects on voter turnout especially among the party base.

Lisa: Candidate Zombie Roosevelt has shown remarkable instincts throughout the campaign and I believe he's made an amazing pick with Senator Velasquez-Davis Goldman. Once again he's shown us all just how a Presidential campaign should work. If he had any weaknesses as a candidate, she would surely help seal the gaps, so to speak. As for Zombie Reagan, I can't help feeling like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Before this pick was made, there was still the slightest chance that come November we'd actually see President Zombie Heston, but with his choice for running mate, that is plainly impossible.

Rick: Strong sentiments, Lisa. So your prediction is a landslide victory for Candidate Zombie Roosevelt?

Lisa: Absolutely, Rick. There's no doubt in my mind that come November we'll all be welcoming President-Elect Zombie Roosevelt.

Rick: Your thoughts, Allen?

Allen: We will soon bask in the glorious aura given off by the dynamic duo of President Zombie Roosevelt and Vice President Velasquez-Davis Goldman. I cannot wait for the day when I can proudly stand up and shout from the rooftops my unfettered support for their outstanding progressive agenda. To think that in only a few short years we've come so far in terms of Zombie relations, truly makes me proud to say, this is my country, and this is my President.

Rick: And how about your thoughts on Zombie Reagan?

Allen: Rick, it's perfectly fitting for those two Uncle Tombies to be together on that ticket. Even with such a diverse and open group as the Zombie race, there's bound to be some bad apples. They can both drag down the ticket, and each other back to the grave for all I care.

Franklin: Allen, did you just say Uncle Tombies?

Rick: Please wait your turn Franklin, we'll get to you in a second.

Franklin: Rick, this is outrageous! I can't believe you're going to let him throw around such racist terms without...


Rick: Sorry about that folks, it seems we're experiencing some technical difficulties with the live feed from Franklin. We'll have our technicians try to get him back before the end of the panel discussion.
Care to elaborate on that term Allen? I don't believe I've heard it before.

Allen: Of course, Rick. And to answer that wild accusation from Franklin, Uncle Tombie is in no way a racist term. It's merely a way to reference a self-hating Zombie, one who has somehow worked their way to a social status above that of the average Zombie and feels it's alright for them to turn their back on the rest of their race. Even if it were even slightly racist, then it wouldn't be as it's used not to reference the Zombie race as a whole, but instead a smaller subset that should be demonized and driven out.

Rick: Learn something new every day, I guess. Thanks Allen.
Final thoughts before we go to a short commercial break; Lisa and Allen, with the re-entry of Zombie Reagan into the election, do you predict a return of the constitutionality argument used during the primaries?

Lisa: I'll leave that one to the legal scholars, Rick. Though I'm sure the question of Zombie Reagan being able to serve again in the Executive Branch is a moot point anyway.

Allen: Consti-what? What's that, Rick? I don't get it.

Rick: We'll return with our panel after a short break.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Zombie post of another day

Chet Roberts:
Good evening, I'm Chet Roberts, and this is your 6 o'clock news.
Our top story today involves a flurry of activity on Capitol Hill as lawmakers scramble to pass a bill defining what, if any, rights Zombies have in society. For more we go to Jane Simmons, reporting from the steps of the Capitol, Jane?

Jane Simmons:
Thanks Chet. Here in Washington DC, the mood is frantic as the still unwritten bill for the Zombie Naturalization Act has actually been brought to the House floor for a vote. Meanwhile amendments are still flooding in as staffers do their best to assemble what is supposed to be landmark legislation.
Some citizens have raised concerns about lawmakers passing a bill that technically doesn't even exist yet, let alone one they haven't read, but the President has scheduled a press conference to try to put the public at ease about this legislation. Signals from the White House show this will be a very pleasant meeting between reporters and the President, with no inflammatory questions raised and an overall peaceful atmosphere.
The intervention by the President has done little to calm down certain groups here as several protests are scheduled for the day of his press conference, but I predict they won't come to much in the face of overwhelming opposition to their views.

Chet Roberts:
Jane, how will this legislation affect this year's election?

Jane Simmons:
Well Chet, word on the Hill is that there will be little effect on the election unless the bill excludes zombies from public office. With so little of the bill written so far, it's hard to say whether either side will see their candidate disqualified. As you know, both parties are running zombie candidates for the Presidency, as if in a rush to once again create an historic election.

Chet Roberts:
What about the controversies surrounding the candidates?

Jane Simmons:
It seems, Chet, that only one side of the political spectrum has their candidate's affairs in order. Zombie Roosevelt has so far run a streamlined, tech-savvy, clean race. The same cannot be said for Zombie Heston. After a long, bitter primary against Zombie Reagan, many say Zombie Heston's campaign efforts have ground to a halt. Talk of infighting and financial worries have plagued them since day one. According to one staffer, candidate Zombie Heston refuses to listen to many of his advisors, and after repeated attempts, they still have no luck prying his rifle from his cold, undead hand. It seems candidate Zombie Heston never lets go of his rifle, carrying it everywhere he goes, to campaign stops, fundraisers and political rallies. Washington insiders feel this could hurt him in several important swing states, no matter how much it might energize the party base.
Another controversy that has followed candidate Zombie Heston involves his citizenship status. While many are waiting to see the results of the legislation before Congress, there are those pushing the issue to the forefront. It seems some on the left believe Zombie Heston was not in fact reborn in the United States. A popular topic among left-leaning blogs, a movement is growing to have his rebirth certificate brought out into the public domain.

Chet Roberts:
Jane, is there a movement on the right seeking the same thing from candidate Zombie Roosevelt?

Jane Simmons:
There isn't, Chet. While some right-wing fringe groups have stated the case could be made for questioning Zombie Roosevelt's rebirth place, the idea hasn't gained much momentum, possibly because no one really cares.

Chet Roberts:
During the fierce primary battle between Zombie Heston and Zombie Reagan, some people raised the issue of the constitutionality of Zombie Reagan's candidacy, as he'd already served two terms as President prior to his first death. Is there any way this could become an issue for candidate Zombie Roosevelt as well?

Jane Simmons:
While it's true that prior to his first death Zombie Roosevelt was elected to four consecutive terms, there is little doubt as to the constitutionality of his election. While many on the right hold out hope that he might get disqualified because of the upcoming legislation, the overwhelming majority of people just don't seem to care.

Chet Roberts:
Live from Capitol Hill in Washington, that was Jane Simmons, thanks Jane.

Jane Simmons:
Thank you, Chet.

Chet Roberts:
After the break we'll take you live to San Francisco, where Jim Watson will give us the story of how a local group is doing their best to improve public opinion toward zombies.
Also we'll speak with several minority leaders about what they see as a political travesty with the upcoming election of a zombie President.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Zombie post of the day

2025, I find myself walking along a sun-parched highway. I've long since left the remains of Los Angeles behind as I head north along the coast. I notice something strange as I approach what appears to be the remains of what was once a fairly populated area. Getting closer I see two signs on the side of the road. One of the signs welcomes me to Berkeley, CA. The other sign appears to be somewhat newer and states the following:

We the people, hereby declare these rights to be inalienable to all those persons of the Zombie race. These rights shall be extended to all Zombie refugees seeking asylum within this city of Berkeley, California. Goddess willing, all Zombies around the world will be treated with respect and dignity persuant to these rights enumerated herein.

One, no Zombie shall have their freedom or activities compromised due to the unjustified and baseless fears of small minded non-Zombie individuals. While Zombies are subject to the same laws and restrictions non-Zombie individuals are, they shall not be unjustly imprisoned. Only through due process of law shall a Zombie be held accountable for their actions, the same as any non-Zombie individual.

Two, all Zombies have the right to seek sustenance in the form they see fit, be it human brains, flesh, organs or bone marrow. Any selfish non-Zombie found to be denying a Zombie their right to seek sustenance shall be prosecuted to the fullest extent the law allows.

Three, no Zombie shall be denied access to civil services, including, but not limited to, public schooling, health care, and other government services.

Four, no Zombie shall be judged by their skin color, be it gray, green, gray-green. This applies as well to those Zombies lacking skin.

Five, no employer may deny a Zombie employment due to their status as a Zombie. Reasonable accomodations must be made for any Zombie seeking gainful employment. All employers must remain in compliance with minimum wage laws to prevent the easily exploitable Zombie workforce from becoming subject to slave wages/labor.

Six, no Zombie shall be denied their right to obtain a vehicle and driver's license.

Seven, as Zombies are a protected minority within this city, any non-Zombie found to be commiting a crime directed at a Zombie shall be subject to municipal hate crime laws.

These rights are recognized for all Zombie-citizens within the city of Berkeley and any who may seek refuge here, with the exception of Zombie Reagan, who is to be brought into custody should he venture near our fair city.

A piece of torn and weathered paper is pasted at the bottom of the large sign. I can barely make out what it says, but from what I can see, it seems to read, "WANTED: Zombie Reagan; Dead or Undead. REWARD: $1,000,000".

While this is certainly an odd sight, what truly strikes me is the smell. I'd visited Berkeley once before the Zombie Apocalypse and I can't help but notice how much the odor of the town has improved since. I feel a small sense of pride at having found the answer to a question long pondered by some of the greatest minds in history. Yes, hippies do smell better as zombies.

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Two Heavens

On a cloud in heaven, a man sits quietly
Silently weeping, no joy in his heart
An angel alights asking why he cries
My love has forgotten, she prays no more

Humans are fickle, perhaps she moved on
The man shook his head, that is not true
I believe she has passed, but is not here
The angel felt sadness, sharing his grief

Eyes full of tears, the man faced the angel
I searched all of heaven, I fear the worst
This is not paradise, without my lost love
Which way is the darkness, I must seek

Heart full of regret, the angel tells the man
Out through the gates, down from the clouds
I must counsel against, entering the flames
A bittersweet smile, as the man walks away

Out of heaven he treads, seeking perdition
Clouds part beneath him, his descent begins
He falls for a day, through the sky and earth
Till he stands before hell, fire in his eyes

The devil appears, a sly grin on his face
A soul seeking damnation, I bid you welcome
Those who leave heaven, can never return
This is your place now, enter if you dare

Fiercely determined, he strides to the devil
Face to face with evil, he demands to know
Where is my love, I will find her at all cost
A burnt and torn soul, a small price to pay

This first time in memory, the devil is moved
Wickedness and evil were all that he knew
This new feeling, a mixture of emotions
Love, loss and hope, the devil is weeping

To sacrifice your soul, your eternal bliss
Seeking this hell, not knowing the outcome
Having once known, this fierce love you have
I threw it away, but you hold it ever closer

Your love is here, her sins weighed heavy
To be punished for all time, she cannot leave
If your courage holds strong, your love, true
Be guided by me, to the sadness you'll face

Through sulfur and flame, the devil and man
Walk down hell's road to a pit of despair
An ocean of fire, spreads out to eternity
Cries of pain and anguish thunder throughout

The devil turns to the man, letting him know
Your love lies within, entombed in the flames
She is among the uncountable souls inside
An eternity of searching, might yet await

The man does not hear, the devil's words empty
Drawn to the fire, he leaps from the edge
His soul is engulfed, the sea of flame rages
Nearly lost in the pain, he begins to search

Every movement is agony, he cannot give up
His senses assaulted, he presses on deeper
Each soul he approaches, their pain becomes his
Enduring the onslaught, he must find her

Time loses its meaning, pain becomes numbness
He struggles to move, to remember her face
I cannot lose hope, I will find her in here
This hell will not win, not before we're together

Something is strange, woman's soul up ahead
Denying the pain, loss and sadness surround her
The man approaches, awash in her feelings
Her internal agony, dwarfs the sea of flames

Too shocked to speak, he opens his arms
She cannot see him, knows not that he is near
Pulling her close, hot tears stream down his face
Before he can speak, she struggles, pushing him away

Her eyes are closed, she seeks not redemption
Unable to face the sins of her past, she is lost
What new hell is this, he cannot be here
To torment me this way, you must be the devil

She fights to get free, but he will not let go
Holding her tightly in his arms, he speaks
I have come for you my love, heaven is gone
There is no paradise, without you near

Her struggles grow weaker, her suspicion subsiding
Such sweet words, only he would speak them
Are you the master of lies, or my love from heaven
She wants to believe, to trust, to forgive herself

He must get through to her, she must feel his heart
Speaking of their life together, the secrets they share
The story of his journey, how love carried him to her
To banish her fears, the last words he spoke in life

She has opened her eyes, to see her lover's face
Why did you come, there's no place for you here
Surely in heaven, where you would find peace
This is my punishment, for the time before you

Still holding her close, he'll never let go again
My place is with you, this will be our heaven
The sins of your past, will not change our love
To bear them with you, I will face anything

She pleads with him, to return whence he came
And cries when he tells her, he will never go back
You gave up heaven to find me, not knowing my sins
What punishment may come, I will share with you

Forever and on, the two souls will be one
In a sea of fire, in the depths of hell
Their love and hope, keep them safe
A new kind of heaven, forgetting the past

Monday, September 21, 2009


Wow, what a day. Who knew I'd actually meet someone through the internet? All this time I'd thought it was just a crock that people met online and it led to actual relationships. Well I've got something to say about that, BULL! I'm living proof, right here baby.

I'm not sure how to pronounce her name, but she sent me all these pictures of herself and I gotta say, WOW! And the best part is, she's rich! Nigerian royalty, who knew a spoiled princess would be online looking for love! If I get in good with her, I'll be set for life.

Now, I know what you're thinking, too good to be true, right? Well, even though I just met her, I think she's telling the truth. And she swears she's an 18 year old rich girl who was a cheerleader in high school. Not only royalty, but cheerleading royalty! How can I pass that up?

I tell ya, life is really lookin up for me. Now I just gotta find my bank account number.

Friday, September 11, 2009

World Government

I think it's time for the nations of the world to band together to form a global governing body. I know, I know, the conservative in me finds the idea repulsive. But with the US military being spread so thin, and no guarantees of troop commitments from other countries, who will fight back if/when aliens finally show up to take over this planet? The UN? Really? A global organization that can't even handle food shipments without half of it getting sold on the black market (can I use that term? too racist? ok, underground economy) is going to save us from an alien invasion? If you believe that, I have a successful, liberal biased newspaper company to sell you (it turns a profit, I swear!).

Saturday, September 5, 2009

First Post Ahoy!

While I would like to write something profound for the first post on my blog, I just can't imagine being that productive when it's so hot in this apartment. Whoever decided where to mount the A/C unit deserves to be beaten.