Saturday, October 24, 2009

Zombie Appreciation Month is almost over

Rick Waters: Hello America, I'm Rick Waters and welcome to a very special, Election season episode of Pundit Tracker. Today we'll be examining the candidates and their recent selections for their running mates.
Well, let's get right into our Daily Pundit Panel.
With us today we have Lisa Richards, Democratic Strategist, Special Consultant with the Federal Department of Democratic Affairs, and chairperson of the National Committee for the Advancement of the Progressive Agenda. Thanks for joining us today Lisa.

Lisa Richards: Thanks Rick, it's a pleasure to be here.

Rick Waters: With us also is Allen Mohammed Waterfall Green Williamson, political activist, zombie rights advocate, best-selling author, and council member of the Society for a Fair and Free Society. Welcome back to the show Allen.

Allen Williamson: All good things, Rick, Goddess Bless.

Rick: And lastly, we have with us Franklin Jameson, conservative columnist.

Franklin: Uh, thanks Rick, it's a...

Rick: So let's get right down to it.
Yesterday was a big day for the candidates as both sides announced their choices for running mates. On the left, Candidate Zombie Roosevelt chose Senator Elaine Velasquez-Davis Goldman, and on the right, a surprise pick as Zombie Heston chose his opponent from the primaries, Zombie Reagan. Thoughts from the panel?

Lisa: Well I for one am disgusted, Rick. For the Republicans to play such bitter identity politics in their choice of what is obviously a ridiculous ploy to appeal to the Zombie population, is just outrageous. Their candidate doesn't care at all for the welfare and integration of Zombies into society as a whole.

Allen: I couldn't agree more, Rick. We at the SFFS feel that it is our duty to help real Americans see the atrocity that is Zombie Heston for what it is. A mockery of the democratic process and a stain on the soul of this country. To try to fool the people into thinking that these fearmongers are really looking out for the good of society is a joke a best. They have the gall to refer to Zombies, behind closed doors, as monsters. Well I'll tell you who the real monsters are, and that is the Republican Party!

Rick: Excellent analysis as usual from our panel. Now, the next topic is...

Franklin: Excuse me, Rick. If I could say something. First, to accuse of the Republicans of playing identity pol...

Rick: Our next topic is how you think these choices will affect the outcome of this election. Effects on voter turnout especially among the party base.

Lisa: Candidate Zombie Roosevelt has shown remarkable instincts throughout the campaign and I believe he's made an amazing pick with Senator Velasquez-Davis Goldman. Once again he's shown us all just how a Presidential campaign should work. If he had any weaknesses as a candidate, she would surely help seal the gaps, so to speak. As for Zombie Reagan, I can't help feeling like a great weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Before this pick was made, there was still the slightest chance that come November we'd actually see President Zombie Heston, but with his choice for running mate, that is plainly impossible.

Rick: Strong sentiments, Lisa. So your prediction is a landslide victory for Candidate Zombie Roosevelt?

Lisa: Absolutely, Rick. There's no doubt in my mind that come November we'll all be welcoming President-Elect Zombie Roosevelt.

Rick: Your thoughts, Allen?

Allen: We will soon bask in the glorious aura given off by the dynamic duo of President Zombie Roosevelt and Vice President Velasquez-Davis Goldman. I cannot wait for the day when I can proudly stand up and shout from the rooftops my unfettered support for their outstanding progressive agenda. To think that in only a few short years we've come so far in terms of Zombie relations, truly makes me proud to say, this is my country, and this is my President.

Rick: And how about your thoughts on Zombie Reagan?

Allen: Rick, it's perfectly fitting for those two Uncle Tombies to be together on that ticket. Even with such a diverse and open group as the Zombie race, there's bound to be some bad apples. They can both drag down the ticket, and each other back to the grave for all I care.

Franklin: Allen, did you just say Uncle Tombies?

Rick: Please wait your turn Franklin, we'll get to you in a second.

Franklin: Rick, this is outrageous! I can't believe you're going to let him throw around such racist terms without...


Rick: Sorry about that folks, it seems we're experiencing some technical difficulties with the live feed from Franklin. We'll have our technicians try to get him back before the end of the panel discussion.
Care to elaborate on that term Allen? I don't believe I've heard it before.

Allen: Of course, Rick. And to answer that wild accusation from Franklin, Uncle Tombie is in no way a racist term. It's merely a way to reference a self-hating Zombie, one who has somehow worked their way to a social status above that of the average Zombie and feels it's alright for them to turn their back on the rest of their race. Even if it were even slightly racist, then it wouldn't be as it's used not to reference the Zombie race as a whole, but instead a smaller subset that should be demonized and driven out.

Rick: Learn something new every day, I guess. Thanks Allen.
Final thoughts before we go to a short commercial break; Lisa and Allen, with the re-entry of Zombie Reagan into the election, do you predict a return of the constitutionality argument used during the primaries?

Lisa: I'll leave that one to the legal scholars, Rick. Though I'm sure the question of Zombie Reagan being able to serve again in the Executive Branch is a moot point anyway.

Allen: Consti-what? What's that, Rick? I don't get it.

Rick: We'll return with our panel after a short break.

Monday, October 19, 2009

Zombie post of another day

Chet Roberts:
Good evening, I'm Chet Roberts, and this is your 6 o'clock news.
Our top story today involves a flurry of activity on Capitol Hill as lawmakers scramble to pass a bill defining what, if any, rights Zombies have in society. For more we go to Jane Simmons, reporting from the steps of the Capitol, Jane?

Jane Simmons:
Thanks Chet. Here in Washington DC, the mood is frantic as the still unwritten bill for the Zombie Naturalization Act has actually been brought to the House floor for a vote. Meanwhile amendments are still flooding in as staffers do their best to assemble what is supposed to be landmark legislation.
Some citizens have raised concerns about lawmakers passing a bill that technically doesn't even exist yet, let alone one they haven't read, but the President has scheduled a press conference to try to put the public at ease about this legislation. Signals from the White House show this will be a very pleasant meeting between reporters and the President, with no inflammatory questions raised and an overall peaceful atmosphere.
The intervention by the President has done little to calm down certain groups here as several protests are scheduled for the day of his press conference, but I predict they won't come to much in the face of overwhelming opposition to their views.

Chet Roberts:
Jane, how will this legislation affect this year's election?

Jane Simmons:
Well Chet, word on the Hill is that there will be little effect on the election unless the bill excludes zombies from public office. With so little of the bill written so far, it's hard to say whether either side will see their candidate disqualified. As you know, both parties are running zombie candidates for the Presidency, as if in a rush to once again create an historic election.

Chet Roberts:
What about the controversies surrounding the candidates?

Jane Simmons:
It seems, Chet, that only one side of the political spectrum has their candidate's affairs in order. Zombie Roosevelt has so far run a streamlined, tech-savvy, clean race. The same cannot be said for Zombie Heston. After a long, bitter primary against Zombie Reagan, many say Zombie Heston's campaign efforts have ground to a halt. Talk of infighting and financial worries have plagued them since day one. According to one staffer, candidate Zombie Heston refuses to listen to many of his advisors, and after repeated attempts, they still have no luck prying his rifle from his cold, undead hand. It seems candidate Zombie Heston never lets go of his rifle, carrying it everywhere he goes, to campaign stops, fundraisers and political rallies. Washington insiders feel this could hurt him in several important swing states, no matter how much it might energize the party base.
Another controversy that has followed candidate Zombie Heston involves his citizenship status. While many are waiting to see the results of the legislation before Congress, there are those pushing the issue to the forefront. It seems some on the left believe Zombie Heston was not in fact reborn in the United States. A popular topic among left-leaning blogs, a movement is growing to have his rebirth certificate brought out into the public domain.

Chet Roberts:
Jane, is there a movement on the right seeking the same thing from candidate Zombie Roosevelt?

Jane Simmons:
There isn't, Chet. While some right-wing fringe groups have stated the case could be made for questioning Zombie Roosevelt's rebirth place, the idea hasn't gained much momentum, possibly because no one really cares.

Chet Roberts:
During the fierce primary battle between Zombie Heston and Zombie Reagan, some people raised the issue of the constitutionality of Zombie Reagan's candidacy, as he'd already served two terms as President prior to his first death. Is there any way this could become an issue for candidate Zombie Roosevelt as well?

Jane Simmons:
While it's true that prior to his first death Zombie Roosevelt was elected to four consecutive terms, there is little doubt as to the constitutionality of his election. While many on the right hold out hope that he might get disqualified because of the upcoming legislation, the overwhelming majority of people just don't seem to care.

Chet Roberts:
Live from Capitol Hill in Washington, that was Jane Simmons, thanks Jane.

Jane Simmons:
Thank you, Chet.

Chet Roberts:
After the break we'll take you live to San Francisco, where Jim Watson will give us the story of how a local group is doing their best to improve public opinion toward zombies.
Also we'll speak with several minority leaders about what they see as a political travesty with the upcoming election of a zombie President.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Zombie post of the day

2025, I find myself walking along a sun-parched highway. I've long since left the remains of Los Angeles behind as I head north along the coast. I notice something strange as I approach what appears to be the remains of what was once a fairly populated area. Getting closer I see two signs on the side of the road. One of the signs welcomes me to Berkeley, CA. The other sign appears to be somewhat newer and states the following:

We the people, hereby declare these rights to be inalienable to all those persons of the Zombie race. These rights shall be extended to all Zombie refugees seeking asylum within this city of Berkeley, California. Goddess willing, all Zombies around the world will be treated with respect and dignity persuant to these rights enumerated herein.

One, no Zombie shall have their freedom or activities compromised due to the unjustified and baseless fears of small minded non-Zombie individuals. While Zombies are subject to the same laws and restrictions non-Zombie individuals are, they shall not be unjustly imprisoned. Only through due process of law shall a Zombie be held accountable for their actions, the same as any non-Zombie individual.

Two, all Zombies have the right to seek sustenance in the form they see fit, be it human brains, flesh, organs or bone marrow. Any selfish non-Zombie found to be denying a Zombie their right to seek sustenance shall be prosecuted to the fullest extent the law allows.

Three, no Zombie shall be denied access to civil services, including, but not limited to, public schooling, health care, and other government services.

Four, no Zombie shall be judged by their skin color, be it gray, green, gray-green. This applies as well to those Zombies lacking skin.

Five, no employer may deny a Zombie employment due to their status as a Zombie. Reasonable accomodations must be made for any Zombie seeking gainful employment. All employers must remain in compliance with minimum wage laws to prevent the easily exploitable Zombie workforce from becoming subject to slave wages/labor.

Six, no Zombie shall be denied their right to obtain a vehicle and driver's license.

Seven, as Zombies are a protected minority within this city, any non-Zombie found to be commiting a crime directed at a Zombie shall be subject to municipal hate crime laws.

These rights are recognized for all Zombie-citizens within the city of Berkeley and any who may seek refuge here, with the exception of Zombie Reagan, who is to be brought into custody should he venture near our fair city.

A piece of torn and weathered paper is pasted at the bottom of the large sign. I can barely make out what it says, but from what I can see, it seems to read, "WANTED: Zombie Reagan; Dead or Undead. REWARD: $1,000,000".

While this is certainly an odd sight, what truly strikes me is the smell. I'd visited Berkeley once before the Zombie Apocalypse and I can't help but notice how much the odor of the town has improved since. I feel a small sense of pride at having found the answer to a question long pondered by some of the greatest minds in history. Yes, hippies do smell better as zombies.