Friday, May 28, 2010

Hollywood Commentary

Now it's time for some enlightened commentary on the state of Hollywood, and movies in general.
As an amateur screenwriter, I find myself constantly dumbstruck at the types of movies, many large budget, that are being put out all the time. Can the people writing this stuff not come up with any original ideas? Really? Tim Burton is the only one? Sad...

I understand fads and trends come and go, then come again 20 years later (still anxiously awaiting the return of hair metal bands [Oh Scorpions, where art thou?]). Does that mean every childhood memory I and many others have must be brutally whored out in vain attempts to squeeze every last cent from a franchise? I guess I should count my blessings though, that things like Transformers, G.I. Joe, and the A-Team get made into mindlessly fun action movies, instead of getting all messed up with "messages".

But really, Marmaduke? Marmaduke. Who actually liked Marmaduke? It was kind of like Family Circus, in that you're not really sure why it stays in the newspaper comic strips for so long since it's just not funny. Also, if anyone steals my "Family Circus Movie" concept because of this blog post, I'm suing.

They can't even do Marmaduke right, though, I mean seriously, what the hell? Since when does Marmaduke talk? I've seen the previews, I've seen that big dog saying stupid crap, along with a plethora of other animals. Does every animal in movies these days need to talk? Milo & Otis didn't talk, they had Dudley Moore to do it for them. And I'm not talking about animals that are MEANT to talk (no matter how bad Underdog was, that doesn't change the fact that dog was supposed to talk). Ok, I need to stop talking about Marmaduke and the whole talking animals thing or I'm gonna go crazy. If it's gonna be a movie based on a comic strip, how about the Far Side? Sure it'd be random, but damn, I'd watch it.

Next up, who the hell is in charge of casting for action movies nowadays?
Two names specifically jump out at me, those being Ashton Kutcher and Jake Gyllenhaal.
Is this the new generation of action stars? Weep tears of sadness John McClane, for they have besmirched your genre. (Relax Die Hard, it's a metaphor. Real action heroes don't cry.)

So Ashton Kutcher is now a super spy? I'm all for suspension of disbelief, but there are limits. I like to think I'm a pretty imaginative guy, but it's still practically impossible to make that leap.

Oh, and whoever wrote the line, "Let's just say I work for blah blah blah, and they gave me a license to blah. (Kelso? Is that you? Wow, 30 years and you hardly aged at all! And you're a spy now? Amazing!)" needs to be dragged into the street and shot. I throw up a little in my mouth whenever I even think of that line.

Jake Gyllenhaal... wow, From catcher to action star in only a couple short years. I can forgive the actual making of a Prince of Persia movie. That video game series has been pretty popular for something like a decade, so it was inevitable. But to make Jake Gyllenhaal the star? He's the big box office draw? We're living in bizarro world people, watch your backs! Apparently all bets are off, and wild, crazy stuff can happen at any time.

It's things like these that almost makes me hope the world ends in 2012. Or at least the scene of Los Angeles being torn up from the movie 2012. Yes, I live in LA, but I can move away, and having to relocate is a small price to pay for Hollywood to sink into the sea. (Just kidding Hollywood! Buy my script! Then I can afford to move away!)

I don't even know where I'm going with this post anymore. I could continue ranting forever about the millions and millions of dollars spent making these atrocities, while I can't even get an agent to look at what I've written (An original idea? NO! NEVER! Get out of my office!), but I won't subject the tens of people that might read this post to such a thing.

I'll leave you one final thing. I've just now decided to shelf the project I've been working on, so I can devote my attention to something I think will get bought up immediately. What is it? Three words: Captain Planet Movie. That's right, Captain Planet Movie.

To give it maximum appeal to Hollywood types, it can be about global warming! The American kid left the group and went to work at some sleazy corporation! Without him, they can't summon Captain Planet, oh no!

Heck, funding wouldn't even be a problem to make that movie. Could partner with the Obama administration and the EPA and I bet they'd pay for everything, as long as the bad guys are known as the Global Organization for Pollution. They want to destroy the Earth and everything you hold dear, that dastardly GOP! Bring in Captain Planet to save it!


  1. Hmmm. Just taking it all in cuzby. Hmmm. Do you really care about Hollywood unreality? I mean Chris, who cares about Jake Gylenhall or Ashton Kutcher as it applies to any of our lives? I mean, it's just cinema dude. It's an escape right? So, would love to see you camping at some point, if you can abide your crazy, bleeding heart, Obama loving, cousins.

  2. That's not anonymous of course, it's from your most loved cousin Trina, but I screwed it up of course.

  3. Kelso did police academy at some point. Why wouldn't they recruit him into the bond family!! The outrage to speak against him! You sir, should be beaten with a stick. Sadly I'm stuck in El Paso at this very moment, and unable to complete my civic shenanigans duties. On a side note, I never really got back to you about your script itself, after reading it again, having mom read it for the first time, we had no real areas to demolish 10+ pages out of it. I mean, without those 10 pages, its unintelligible crap. With them? its just crap ;p

    Anonymous strikes again!
    p.s. Loser!